Aug 7, 2013 1:15am
I'm so shallow
These opening notes rank pretty close to my kid's birth...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihjpv0-7rgE
Grateful Dead Humor
Q: How do you know when deadheads have been staying with you?
A: They're still there.
Q: How do you know when they're gonna leave?
A: The phone bill comes.
Q: Where do you hide things from deadheads?
A: Under the soap.
Q: If you see three flies in the bathroom, how do you know which one is the deadhead?
A: The one on the pot.
Q: What do deadheads say when they run out of dope?
A: What is this awful music?
Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
A: To keep the music out of their eyes.
Q: How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None. Deadheads screw in sleeping bags.
A2: None. Deadheads screw in VW buses.
A3: One to actually change it, 2,000 to take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
Q: Why did the deadhead cross the road?
A: To get to the western union.
Q: What's the difference between a rainbow and a deadhead?
A: A rainbow will give you the shirt off of his back, a deadhead will sell you someone else's for 20 bucks.
Q: What do you call a deadhead in a suit?
Q: What did Jerry Garcia say when he came out of rehab?
A: "Man, this music sucks!"
Two deadheads were discussing a recent show. "It was terrible, the mix was bad, Jerry forgot lines, the playing was uninspired, it was torture to listen to," said the first. The second added, "I agree, and it was too short, too!" .
Cosmo the deadhead is at the end of his rope. He's broke, half a continent away from his folks and he needs to get home. All he has left is his dog, Astro. He spies a likely yuppie couple on the way to their Porsche. He says, "Excuse me, I'm broke and I want to sell my dog for bus money. He's special dog, he even talks! Ask him something." The man seems appalled, but the woman is intrigued. "Oh Dale, that would be so kewl! OK, doggie, what's your favorite dead song?" Astro barks "Wharf, wharf, wharf". The couple laugh at this and leave without buying Astro, of course. Astro looks at Cosmo and says, "maybe I should have said "Playin'?"
Jerry Garcia and Eric Clapton are captured by cannibals one day. Before they are about to be cooked for dinner they are granted one final wish. Jerry says "hand me my old guitar and let me play Dark Star one last time". Clapton replies, "please kill me before he starts".
This girl went to a Dead show with terrible tickets. She could barely even see the stage. Once the show began, she noticed an empty seat waaaaay in the front. She slowly made her way towards the stage, dodging ticket checkers left and right, and finally reached the empty seat. She was so close that Bobby could have spit on her. At the set break, she told the guy next to her that she couldn't believe that someone had given up such an incredible seat. The guy said, "Well, my wife and I had tickets to this show together, but she passed away." She said, "I'm so sorry. Couldn't you find someone else to come to the show with you, a friend or a relative or something?" The guy replied, "Nah. They're all at her funeral today."
Jerry comes to his senses right after his death, looks around and sees that he is in the midst of rock music's late great ones: Jimi Hendix, Janis Joplin, Elvis Presley, and many more. He even sees his old friend Pigpen. So Jerry walks up to him and after their initial greetings says, 'This is fantastic, man! I never thought heaven would be like this, spending all of eternity playing music with all the great ones!' Pigpen looks up at Jerry and says, 'What? You mean you think you're in heaven?' Just then, Karen Carpenter appears on stage, takes the microphone, and says, 'Alright now, one more time until you get it right: 'Close to you.''
How to tell if you are a Deadhead...
You spend more money on blank tapes than you do on rent.
None of your tapes have names on them, just dates.
You recognize "DOSESBUDSHROOMZX" as both a statement and a question.
You furnish your entire apartment with the "Free Funky Stuff" from Sony or Maxell tape offers.
You prefix every noun with "Kind", or "Ice Cold".
You spend more money at the post office than at the gas station.
You still have the parking tag from NYE 1976 hangn from your rear view mirror.
On forms you list your occupation as "?".
GDTRFB, SSDD, BIODTL, FOTD, SOTM, LTGTR, NFA, and WALSTIB all mean something to you.
At any given moment you can calculate how many days, hours, minutes and seconds it's been since ALLIGATOR has been played.
Someone asks you what you do for fun, and you just smile real wide.
The first entry on you MCI Freinds and Family List is 415-457-6388.
You got #12.
Your car windows look like stained glass from being covered with coloured stickers.
You think $1 for a grilled cheese sandwich is pretty damn cheap.
You've figured out the correlation between the date and the # of beats to start BIODTL.
Your boss notices members of your family only become deathly ill when there happens to be a Dead show within a 100 mile radius.
You know how "the song" goes...
The bus came by, and you got on.
Whenever you walk through a parking lot you instinctively hold up your right index finger in the air.
The compass in your car is callibrated so that it always points to the Oakland Coliseum.
You can install a new cylinder head on a '68 VW microbus with your eyes closed.
You have more tie-dyes than neck-ties.
You find it amazing that some people fill balloons with AIR.
You try to convince you grandmother than Aoxomoxoa is an acceptable play for a Scrabble triple-word play.
Your dog is named Bertha.
Your KID is named Althea.
You spend NYE with your cassette deck instead of your wife.
Your license plate spells "HEY NOW".
You've learned to DUCK.
Your stock portfolio includes 50 shares of the HANES BLACK T-Shirt division.
You consider a "miracle" to be someone giving you a ticket to tonight's show.
You can't leave the house without wondering where the tickets are.
Left unoccupied your hand instinctively taps the beat to Not Fade Away.
You actually are in search of the Eternal Buzz.
You're still waiting for that second verse of Dark Star that they started back in May of '73.
You swear the guy walking by you at the football game just said "doses".
There are 10 people still shacking up at your house from the summer 1990 tour, and you don't know who any of them are.
You consider veggie burritos gourmet.
You know the words to Truckin' better than Bob (OK, I guess this doesn't necessarily make you a Deadhead...
You can remember an Other One that wasn't followed by Wharf Rat, or a Throwing Stones that wasn't followed by Not Fade Away.
You try to claim gas to and from Dead shows as an income tax deduction.
You know the zip code for San Rafael, CA by heart.
You have the postal rates memorized.
Your copy of DeadBase has long since broken out of it's binding and the ink is beginning to wear off the pages.
You send all morning looking for this killer Playin' Jam that you think is on this tape from '72, probably the Fillmore, and you know it's a Maxell with the label on upside down, but it doesn't have a case, and you know the tape starts with Sugaree but the last time you think you saw it was in '83 and it was under your friend Brian's refrigerator, or maybe it was just a filler on that Alpine Valley '89 show, which you think you listened to in that dude's bus on the way to Dear Creek this year, but his number is on the back of the ticket stub that you think is stuffed in your Soundboard copy of 7/8/78 set II, and you have NO idea where that is, so you pull out DeadBase and start looking for every show since '71 that even had a Playin' but by '77 or so you forgot what you were lookin for because you got wrapped up in the Nice version of He's Gone where Mickey starts playin the beam with dead cat, etc., etc... (If this sounds like something that happens to you every day, you KNOW you're a deadhead.)
You're beginning to wonder if Bob's ever going to retire that Tamalpais Cheifs shirt.
Lately, it occurs to you just exactly what a long strange trip it's been.
..feel old yet:?